I know that is a controversial thing to hear for many people, but let’s explore the idea a little more. We have been led to believe that love is altruistic and to expect something back when you care about another is somehow unworthy or even unhealthy. This is based on the view that being selfless and expecting nothing in return is the ideal state to be in.
An understanding of human behaviour makes it clear that such a state is not truly achievable and indeed when I am working with people who strive to be selfless, they are invariably consumed with guilt and stress when they keep giving in relationships but not getting back. They think the fault lies with them, that they are somehow less than others because they are unhappy with that imbalance.
We all need to feel safe and secure, to have love and acceptance, to grow and learn, to be free to become our best selves and to achieve and be valued. The purpose of behaviour is very much about getting these needs satisfied and we can measure our success in doing so by how deeply satisfied we are in our life.
It is only through our relationships and interactions with others that we are able to meet our needs. If relationships are healthy, they will not be one sided, they will be needs satisfying for each of the individuals concerned. Very few people will stay forever in a relationship where they are constantly giving to the other and getting nothing back. Those who persevere for too long will often experience deep unhappiness, stress, anger and even physical illness if their needs continue to be unmet.
The transactional nature of healthy relationships doesn’t mean there is a strict accounting of who did what for whom- with the ledger needing to be balanced at the end of each month. There will be times, even extended times like periods of illness, when we will support the other even though they are not capable of giving much back. The relationship can remain healthy because of the deposits each put in prior to the difficult times and also the belief that needs will be met in the future.
You can easily tell when you have healthy transactional relationships. You will be able to enjoy life- safe in the knowledge that those close to you have your back and will help you meet your needs when you most need them to.