All of us have learned many habits of behaviour from the day we were born. Some of those habits will get us closer to those we care about whilst others will drive us further apart.
How well we meet our needs in life and how deeply content and happy we are is directly related to how satisfactory our relationships are. The poorer our relationships, the less successfully we will meet our needs, because we can only meet them on an ongoing basis through healthy relationships.
Following are seven habits of behaviour which are sure-fire ways to eventually destroy any relationship. Unfortunately, they are present in many relationships, not because we are bad people, but because it is what we have been exposed to and learned. All of them are used in varying degrees to get the other to behave the way we think they should but will destroy the very relationship we are wanting to have.
Criticising is probably the most destructive of all, sometimes people will even claim it is constructive criticism, but this is an oxymoron. Feedback is much more productive, contains no criticism at all and is more likely to lead to a good outcome.
Blaming, complaining, nagging and threatening are all unpleasant and create a negative environment for the relationship. Even well intended, they are coercive and will not be appreciated by those who are exposed to them.
Punishment is often seen as a necessity, but the very premise of punishment, that I will hurt you until you do as I want, is clearly very destructive. If the punishment is severe enough you may get minimum compliance, but you will certainly damage the relationship in the process.
The most insidious disconnecting habit of all is “rewarding to control or bribing”, that is “I’ll give you this if you do that and if you don’t, I will withhold the reward”. It is more pleasant than punishment but as it is still intended to coerce the other to do/be what you think they should be, eventually fails. Often the person being rewarded will attempt to subvert that control through demanding more or greater rewards or refusing to do what is wanted until they receive the reward up front.
There are many other disconnecting habits, but if you eliminate using these seven on those you really care about you will find your relationships improving greatly.