One of the most powerful ways to relate well with those around us and get the best possible result in challenging situations is to know how to give feedback. Very few people know how to give feedback, but most people mistakenly believe that what they are saying and doing is in fact feedback!
To help understand what feedback is, it is really useful to know what it isn’t. First of all, it is not criticism. All criticism comes from our belief that we know what’s right for someone else and therefore they must be wrong. This usually leads to a conversation where the receiver becomes defensive and it may spiral into an argument. Sometimes the recipient may simply shut down, they have closed off and are no longer listening to us. This can be even worse than arguing, we never know what they are thinking or intend to do, and the matter remains unresolved until it recurs, and we repeat the whole unsatisfactory process.
Feedback is not about blaming, most people who blame others are convinced they are correct to do so and are merely “giving it to them straight”. The trouble is that blaming very quickly shuts down communication and cooperation. The chances of getting a great result are diminished, and even if you “win” by getting them to back down you have really lost because you damage the relationship. This might seem great if they are someone you expect never to deal with again, but making enemies unnecessarily is never good practice.
Complaining is always unpleasant to hear and rarely promotes a spirit of caring for the other. If complaining becomes nagging, it is even more destructive as nagging leads to the recipient tuning out and switching off. Unfortunately, this often leads to even more nagging, even louder and more insistent as we seem to believe that doing the same thing which didn’t work before will somehow magically work the next time.
What does work is feedback, the art of giving information with no criticism, judgement, complaint or nagging. Feedback is an unadorned statement of your perception of a situation. It should be given tentatively as your perception of what happened, and the others perception may be very different. It leaves room for them to comment and when done well invites a shared commitment to find a solution which works for both parties.