Hi Jeff,
My mother, who is fiercely independent, lives alone in a villa community, her issue seems to be with people. There is a huge range of activities, but she avoids interacting with her neighbours. She doesn’t talk to anyone except immediate family and won’t go on social outings with us, she insists she is happy in her home. Could this become a health concern if we leave her to her own devices?
Thanks R,
it is a common situation for family, as our parents age, to feel a responsibility to look after them. They may make decisions which we believe are not right for them and we can feel helpless and hopeless, just wanting the best result, but the question arises of right for who?
Every one of us thinks that the way we see things is the way they really are, but this is an illusion. We view and form an understanding of the world around us through filters and these are different for each and every one of us. We take in the information through our sensory filter, then try to make sense of it with our knowledge filter, we then evaluate it with our values filter. It stands to reason that none of us see things as they really are, we each end up with our own perception which is moulded by the filters the information passed through.
When looking at others situations we are unable to form an objective opinion, all humans are subjective 100% of the time. The only thing you get when you walk in someone else shoes is likely to be sore feet. We can only ever see things from our own perspective, so we need to be really aware of that and never decide that we know better than the other what is right for them.
So, what does this mean in practical terms? We need to understand that how we see the situation may not be the same as someone else, so avoiding judging their choice is essential. Checking in and accepting their right to live their life the way they want to is the best way forward. Maintaining the relationship is really important because we want them to consider our feedback whilst still recognising they are in charge of their decisions.
In your mum’s situation, your extended question indicates she is still active, keeps abreast of news and current affairs, has activities and hobbies she enjoys and participates in them regularly. You also mention she says she is happy with her situation. If she had some cognitive issues and was unable to make decisions it would be a different situation, but your email doesn’t indicate this. If she is saying she is happy with her lot, but her actions and demeanour indicated that was not true, you could give her feedback regarding that. Helping her to self-evaluate whether what she is doing is really working for her is a great way to maintain the relationship and walk beside her as she decides what is best for her. If your observation is that she truly is happy, then there is no need for concern. Remember what works for her may be very different to what you would choose for yourself.