Hi TM, thanks for your question.
Sometimes we persist with a relationship which deep down we know is not really working for us. We do this because at some level we know that though it may be meeting some of our needs, it is either not meeting them very well, or in some cases is only meeting one need and is damaging others, we persist because we are fearful that we will not get any of our needs met if we do something about it. These needs are universal, though we all have them in differing degrees. If you are feeling unhappy or unsatisfied in your relationship, it is because you have subconsciously become aware that the relationship is not giving you what you need. To persist without doing something concrete about fixing this is to descend into further unhappiness and despair. Your system will not allow you to continue in an unsatisfying situation without sending increasingly painful signals that it is not working.
So, what should you look for to see if the relationship is worth keeping? Firstly, you need to look at yourself and see if you are willing to make changes to nourish the relationship. If not, there is no point in persisting.
The hallmarks of a great relationship are fairly clear. A relationship is a real entity, but it can’t speak for itself, or do anything else for itself, it is totally reliant on what we choose to do. To make it work fairly for each of us, the relationship firstly requires that we are prepared to take responsibility for our own behaviour and stop blaming “he, she, it or they” for what we are choosing to do. Both of you need to be taking responsibility for your own behaviour if the relationship is to thrive. If only one of you is willing to do this, the relationship will still eventually fail as it becomes too one sided.
Next we need to be using self-evaluation. We need to stop focussing on what the other is doing and run the magnifying glass over what we are doing. Eliminate the behaviours you have been using which are damaging the relationship. Negotiate new ones which work for both you and your partner. This is the quickest and easiest thing to do, because you are in charge of what you think and what you choose to do. This isn’t about becoming a doormat, but rather about seeing if there are different ways you can behave which will work for you whilst still being fair for the other.
Finally put them into practice consistently and for a reasonable period of time, things will not change overnight. Often people believe they have done enough when they have only tried to make changes over a couple of weeks. You can’t often change the habits of a lifetime in just a few days.
If both of you are willing to take responsibility, self-evaluate and consistently put new more effective behaviours into practice then the relationship is definitely worth keeping and is very likely to become better than it ever was.