From my Ask Jeff Newspaper column
Thanks M, that is a really topical question. I am increasingly seeing that people are being labelled as Narcissistic. Characterized by behaviours such as a grandiose sense of self-importance, lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, narcissistic behaviour can appear differently depending on gender. While narcissistic behaviour can appear in anyone, research suggests distinct patterns in how men and women express narcissistic tendencies.
Statistically, men are more likely to display grandiose narcissistic behaviour—marked by overt arrogance, dominance, and a strong desire for power and status. Male narcissists often seek admiration through achievements, assertiveness, and control. In professional settings, they may come across as overly ambitious or entitled, and in personal relationships, they may be domineering or emotionally detached.
Women, on the other hand, are more likely to exhibit vulnerable narcissistic behaviour—a more subtle form marked by hypersensitivity, insecurity, and emotional manipulation. Rather than overt arrogance, female narcissists may rely on their appearance, charm, or social status to gain admiration and validation. They might present as overly concerned with how others perceive them, often seeking attention through victimhood or emotional dependence. In relationships, they may use guilt or passive-aggressive tactics to maintain control and elicit sympathy.
Cultural expectations and learned gender roles play a significant role in how narcissistic behaviour is expressed and perceived. Society tends to tolerate or even reward certain narcissistic traits in men—such as competitiveness and assertiveness—while criticizing similar behaviours in women as abrasive or self-centred. This often leads female narcissists to mask their traits with a facade of kindness, nurturing, or vulnerability, making their behaviour less obvious but still damaging in interpersonal dynamics. Similarly, male narcissists may be judged poorly for exhibiting hypersensitivity, insecurity and a reliance on appearance and charm or passive-aggressive behaviour to manipulate others. What is common to both behaviours is a desire to control others to get what they want.
In all genders, narcissism can result in unstable relationships, difficulty with criticism, and emotional manipulation. However, the strategies used—and how they are interpreted—are often shaped by gender norms and social conditioning.
Understanding these differences is important for recognizing narcissistic behaviour in various contexts and relationships. While narcissism may present more overtly in men and more subtly in women, both forms can be equally harmful to those around them. Awareness of these gendered patterns can help in identifying narcissistic traits early and responding to them in healthier, more constructive ways.
Of course, there is a tendency now to describe any perceived selfish behavioural trait as narcissistic behaviour and to pathologize this by diagnosing the behaviour as a condition or disorder. This is less than helpful as it can enable the persons behaviour by giving them an excuse to continue with it as they have a condition and can’t help it. It would be far better to recognise the behaviour traits as just that, and recognise that, as difficult as it may be, the behaviour can be changed with support, determination and patience.