My child is anxious, am I doing the right thing by letting them avoid the things which make them anxious?
Thanks T, it’s hard to watch your child struggling with anxiety, isn’t it? Every instinct in us wants to step in, smooth the path and make the discomfort go away. At first that seems like the right thing to do, it seems caring and feels protective, but what we now know is that this well-meaning approach can make the problem far worse.
Anxiety doesn’t come out of nowhere, it is not a random flaw in a child’s personality, and it is not something that needs to be removed. The purpose of the anxiety is that it is a signal which tells us that something important is missing or under threat. It might be a sense of belonging, a feeling of competence, a need for safety, or even a desire for some control in a situation that feels overwhelming. When humans perceive one of these needs is not met or threatened the body responds. The heart rate lifts, the mind races, and the child feels uneasy. If we only focus on removing the anxious situation, we are missing what the anxiety is telling us.
Take the child who avoids a school assembly because it feels overwhelming. In the short term, allowing them to avoid it brings relief. The anxiety drops, everyone breathes easier, and it seems like the right decision, but underneath that relief is a damaging learning experience. The child has just learned that when they think the situation is too much for them, that the only effective solution is to escape it. If we do that often enough that belief strengthens and avoidance becomes the default behaviour. Before long, it is not just assemblies. It might be group work, camps, speaking in class, or even attending school at all. The world slowly shrinks, not because the child is incapable, but because they have come to believe that they are. This is the trap of avoidance; it reduces anxiety in the moment but increases it over time.
What works instead is a shift in focus, rather than asking “How do we get rid of this feeling?” we begin asking “What is this feeling telling us?” When a child is anxious about speaking in front of others, perhaps their need for competence or acceptance feels at risk. When they resist going on camp, maybe their sense of safety or connection is challenged. Once we understand the need, we can work with it. That might mean helping them practise the skill in smaller, manageable steps. It might mean staying alongside them as they face the situation, rather than removing it altogether. It definitely means acknowledging the fear without agreeing that avoidance is the answer.
The key point is that confidence is not built by avoiding discomfort. It is built by experiencing it and discovering, often in small increments that, “I can handle this.”
Children do not need a life free from challenge. They need opportunities to meet challenges with support, to wobble a bit, and to recover and that is how they begin to gain the confidence to trust themselves. While it can seem kinder to remove the obstacle in the short term, the more useful path is to help them grow by guiding them through it. Not by forcing or overwhelming, but by understanding what they need and walking beside them as they take the next step forward. What reduces anxiety is not escape. It is the growing belief that “I can cope with what life puts before me.”