How do I develop confidence?
When some people seem naturally confident, but others hesitate before almost every decision, it can be easy to believe that confidence is something you either have or you don’t. We often think that if we could just change our thinking and become more positive then confidence would magically appear. Interestingly, neuroscience is now telling us that’s not enough. One of the biggest shifts in understanding is that confidence is not a feeling that causes action, rather it’s our actions which create the feeling of confidence. That sounds almost backwards to some because most of us have spent our lives waiting until we feel confident enough before we take the first step. We wait until we feel ready to speak up, apply for the new job, start exercising, or have that difficult conversation. Unfortunately, the brain does not work that way.
Every time we act, even if we feel uncertain, our brain gathers evidence and begins to learn that we can survive discomfort, solve problems and cope with challenges. Every successful experience strengthens the neural pathways associated with competence and resilience. Our confidence is built through repeated experiences of doing, not through endless thinking about doing but not acting.
This fits well with what I have observed over many years of working with people. The only behaviour we can truly control is our own. We cannot control whether other people approve of us, agree with us or even like us, waiting for those things before acting leaves our confidence in someone else’s hands. Real confidence comes from recognising that we always have choices. We don’t control every circumstance, but we can always choose how we respond. Every time we make a constructive choice, particularly when it stretches us slightly beyond our usual behaviour, we strengthen both our skills and our belief in ourselves.
Think about learning to ride a bicycle. No amount of positive thinking can replace getting on the bike and trying to ride. You probably felt nervous, wobbled a great deal and perhaps even fell off. Every new attempt to ride taught your brain something extra until eventually your body and brain worked together and riding became easier. Confidence wasn’t the starting point, confidence was the outcome. The same principle applies throughout life. If you want to become more confident speaking in public, speak more often. If you want confidence in relationships, be prepared to enter into them. If you want confidence in making decisions, start making them instead of endlessly analysing every possibility, a process I call paralysis by analysis. Of course, this does not mean taking reckless risks. Our brains grow best when we take manageable steps that are challenging but achievable. Each small success becomes another piece of evidence that says, “I can do this.”
The greatest obstacle to confidence is waiting for that confident feeling to arrive before acting, but that day rarely comes. Confidence develops behind the scenes when we repeatedly choose behaviours that move us toward the life we want. If you have been waiting to feel confident before taking the next step, try reversing the process. Choose one small action today, then another tomorrow. Your brain will notice and over time those actions will become habits, those habits become default behaviours, then competence becomes confidence. Confidence is not something you discover, it is something you build, one choice and one action at a time.