For many years we were told that anger was like steam building up inside a pressure cooker. The advice was to let it out before it explodes, punch a punching bag or pillow, smash something, scream out loud. Just get it out of your system. It sounded logical, but research has consistently shown that this approach doesn’t work very well, in fact, it often makes things worse.
We now know that repeatedly acting out anger doesn’t drain it away, instead, it strengthens the very neural pathways that produce angry responses. Every time we express anger aggressively, our brain becomes a little more efficient at doing exactly the same thing next time. Rather than emptying the anger tank, we are filling it. That doesn’t mean we should bottle our anger up either. Anger is a valid emotion, and it usually tells us when something important to us feels threatened, unfair or frustrating. The goal isn’t to suppress it, but to respond wisely to it.
One of the most useful concepts from Choice Theory is that while we don’t directly control our feelings, we do have control over our thinking and our actions, those choices then affect how we feel. When we become angry, our brain shifts into survival mode. The emotional parts of the brain become highly active while the areas responsible for thoughtful decision making become less effective. In that state we tend to make poor choices, we say things we later regret, we damage relationships and we can make problems bigger instead of smaller.
That is why the first task is not solving the problem, it is calming ourselves enough so that we can solve the problem. Calming ourselves doesn’t mean doing something violent in a safer place. Hitting a punching bag while imagining another person’s face is still rehearsing aggression. Smashing objects or yelling at the top of our lungs keeps the body and brain focused on anger. A far better approach is to release the physical energy without feeding the emotional fire.
Go for a brisk walk, ride a bike or do some gardening. Take slow, deep breaths while walking outside. These activities allow the stress hormones that accompany anger to reduce naturally while giving the thinking part of the brain time to come back online. Once we are calmer, we make better choices. We can ask ourselves, “What do I really want here?” “Will my current behaviour help me achieve it?” “What could I do that is more likely to improve this situation?” Those questions move us from blame to responsibility and from reaction to problem solving.
The interesting thing is that most anger isn’t actually about the event itself. It comes from the gap between what we wanted to happen and what actually happened. While we can’t control the situation or the other person, we can always choose our next behaviour and that choice is where our greatest opportunity lies. The real solution to anger isn’t about acting it out. It is about getting better at calming ourselves so we can think clearly, choose effective behaviours and deal constructively with the problem that created the anger in the first place.
Great points here. The mental health aspect of short breaks is real. I’ve been using a free browser game as my afternoon reset — nothing like a few virtual punches to shake off a rough meeting.