One of the things that often saddens couples is how they can genuinely love each other yet fight so bitterly. We tend to assume that if we really loved each other we wouldn’t fight, but the truth is often quite different. It is probably impossible to have a close relationship without conflict, fortunately, it is very possible to have one without fighting.
We are all different, while we share the same five basic needs of survival, love and belonging, power or achievement, freedom and fun, we don’t experience them to the same degree. We also develop very different pictures in our minds of how we would like our needs to be met and our lives to be. One person may have a high need for love and belonging and want to spend lots of time together, while their partner may have a stronger need for freedom and value time alone. One may want to save every spare dollar while the other wants to travel and enjoy life while they can. Neither is necessarily right or wrong, they simply want different things and that is where conflict arises.
The real trouble begins when we decide that the way to resolve our differences is to change the other person, we call this external control, and most of us have been practising it all of our lives. We criticise, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish or sometimes withdraw from the other person, unconsciously thinking that if we apply enough pressure they will eventually see things our way. Of course while we are busy trying to control them, they are equally busy trying to control us, so now we have a fight. Interestingly, the fight is often no longer about the original problem, it becomes about winning. Being right, defending ourselves, or proving that the other person is wrong becomes the priority. Unfortunately, even if we win those battles, our relationship usually loses.
There is another way. Instead of thinking, “How do I get you to do what I want?”, we can ask, “How can we find a way forward that respects what both of us want?” That doesn’t mean giving in and it doesn’t mean pretending something doesn’t matter when it does, nor does it mean avoiding difficult conversations. Good relationships require us to talk about difficult things.
The difference is that we stop seeing our partner as the problem and begin seeing the issue as something we need to solve together. Conflict handled this way can actually strengthen a relationship. Each time we manage a disagreement without attacking, blaming or trying to control each other, we learn something very important about our relationship. We learn that it is safe and normal to disagree. We discover that I can tell you what matters to me, you can tell me what matters to you, and neither of us needs to destroy the other person’s position in order to protect our own. That builds trust, and trust allows love to grow. Instead of measuring a successful relationship by how rarely couples disagree we should look at how rarely they fight. People who share their lives are going to have different needs, wants and opinions, conflict is inevitable, but fighting isn’t.
The important question isn’t whether we disagree. It is whether, when we do, we can remain friendly, fair and respectful enough to remember that the person sitting opposite us isn’t our enemy, they are the person we love.