Seven Connecting Habits

In a previous column I spoke about seven habits which are damaging and destructive to any relationship. No matter how strong and healthy the relationship is at the beginning, if the people in the relationship start using the disconnecting habits of criticising, threatening, punishing, blaming, complaining, nagging or rewarding to control, eventually that relationship will fail. If they are not used very often it will take longer to do damage, but eventually damage will occur.

So, what is the alternative? There are seven simple habits of behaviour we can use to replace any disconnecting habits we have developed during our lifetime.  If we use these habits regularly instead of disconnecting ones, we will repair a damaged relationship or make an already  good relationship even better. It is impossible to overdo them; frequent use leads to ever improving relationships.

Behaviours are simply habits we learned over the years and have practiced so often it feels like we can’t control them, but awareness of the damaging effects of some behaviours and being prepared to change them is the starting point. Knowing what to change them to is essential if we want ongoing success. Simply stopping disconnecting habits but not replacing them with more successful ones will fail because we will return to them if we don’t have a viable alternative.

When we care about someone, the following are essential behaviours to build great relationships with them. We need to be accepting of the other and of their differences to us. We need to respect their right to think and operate in a manner which is right for them as long as it is not hurting anyone else. We need to trust that they are doing the best they can with what they know in the circumstances they find themselves. We need to encourage and support them to meet their needs in ways which are not abusive of others needs. We need to listen deeply to them in order to understand what is important to them, not just listening to find ways to disagree and argue with them. Once we have done all of these, we are then able to negotiate with them so that both of us can meet our needs fairly.

It is exciting to see how quickly relationships improve and how strong they become when one person uses connecting habits, it is even more dynamic when both use them as a matter of course.