Romantic novels and movies are filled with the idea that there is a soul mate out there for each and every one of us, and if we just wait long enough we will stumble upon them and live happily ever after. While I enjoy a good rom/com as much as the next person, I am not comfortable with the impression that this is the how we should expect to find a partner. Rom/coms are a delightful fantasy, not real life.
I often see clients who have become so enamoured with the idea they have to find their soul mate they discount possible partners who don’t elicit an immediate spark. Worse still some discard partners who don’t measure up to the fantasy ideal, sometimes saying their partner is their best friend, but somehow still not enough. What a tragedy this is, we have been hoodwinked by the romantic fantasy.
Research shows that the more intense the early stages of a relationship are, the more likely they are to end in failure. This isn’t to say that every intense relationship will fail, but rather that this very intensity can lead us to overlook factors that indicate an unsuitable long term relationship. If our differences in values and behaviours are too incompatible or if we don’t know how to negotiate our way through them and have a strong friendship which allows us to do so, then the relationship is doomed, no matter how intense it was in the beginning.
Soul mates are made not found. The starting point is to establish a friendship based on mutual trust and respect. The immediate passion of an exciting first encounter needs to be turned into the slow burn of a long term connection which is needs satisfying for both or it will inevitably fail. Great long lasting relationships are built on the bedrock of intimacy. True intimacy means you can be yourself and know your partner loves you for who you are and values what you bring to the relationship, and in turn you do the same thing for them.
With nearly 8 billion people in the world, the chances of somehow finding “The One” are vanishingly slim, fortunately we don’t have to rely on dumb luck or long odds, great potential partners are already in our life. Perhaps they are already our partner, we just need to be open to developing a great friendship with them and build on what we have, rather than looking elsewhere to fulfil the romantic fantasy.