My last column was about the damage to relationships caused by external control psychology. Today I want to share that the only thing on the planet we truly control is ourselves, that may seem obvious, but very few people live by the ethos of internal control psychology; its use is the secret behind all great relationships.
When we stop trying to control others, or even just wishing and hoping that others would behave the way we think they should, we open ourselves to one of the most powerful change processes any human being can engage in. It is said that unhappy people are always judging others while happy people evaluate themselves.
Judging others or judging ourselves is the road to great unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Judging, criticising and blaming cause major damage to relationships with others and even to our relationship with ourselves. Most have learned to judge from an early age and practise it so often that it seems natural and normal to them. Constructive criticism is even touted as a good thing by many well intentioned person, but these words are an oxymoron and should never be used together.
Replacing judgment and criticism with feedback is a sure fire path to improving relationships. The difference between the two is clear, criticism is intended to control the other, while feedback is just information containing no hint of control. We can provide feedback when it is asked for, or when it involves something that impacts us. It is important that we give it without making demands of the other lest it be seen to be controlling.
As our relationships improve because we no longer seek to control others, a rather surprising thing happens. We become more influential as those around us trust our feedback and act upon it once they sense we are not trying to control them. They also become more open to listening and negotiating a fair outcome when they don’t need to defend their position. The environment they are in has changed; with us no longer trying to coerce them they respond in positive ways to the relationship they now have with us; just as people respond in negative, defensive ways to external control.
It takes time to unlearn external control and replace it with self-evaluation and feedback. But this is time invested rather than time spent and like all good investments, the returns are worthwhile.