External Control is the biggest problem in the world today.
It’s easy to look at conflict around the world and see it as something distant and not related to us, wars between countries, political standoffs and power struggles played out on a global stage. If we’re honest with ourselves, the same patterns that drive those large-scale conflicts are alive and well in our everyday relationships, they just show up in subtler, more familiar ways. At the heart of this is a simple yet deeply damaging idea, the belief that we can make other people behave the way we want, and that we have the right to do so.
You see it in couples where one partner tries to control the other through criticism, pressure or withdrawal. You see it in families where parents and children get locked into battles of will. You even see it between nations when leaders try to impose their values, systems or authority onto others, often backed by threats or force. The scale changes, but the thinking is the same.
The problem is not just that this approach doesn’t work very well, it’s that it slowly erodes the very thing every relationship depends on, which is connection. When someone feels controlled, they don’t feel understood or respected. They feel pushed, and when people feel pushed, they do one of three things. They resist, they comply while becoming resentful, or they withdraw altogether. None of those responses lead to a healthy or sustainable relationship. This is why you can “win” an argument and still lose the relationship. You might sometimes get the behaviour you want in the short term, but you pay for it in trust, closeness and goodwill and over time and that cost adds up.
If you look at conflict between countries, you see the same dynamic at play. One side tries to force an outcome while the other side resists. Each action is justified as necessary, but the cycle feeds on itself. The harder one side pushes, the harder the other side pushes back. It becomes less about solving the problem and more about not being seen to lose or at least lose face.
Underneath all of this is something very human, every person and every nation is trying to meet basic needs. To feel safe, to have some control over their own lives, to belong, to be heard, to matter. When those needs seem to be threatened, people will act, sometimes wisely, most times not. Trying to control others might seem like a way to meet those needs, but it actually makes things worse. It increases resistance, damages trust and creates distance. It turns potential partners into opponents.
The alternative is not about giving in or becoming passive. It’s about recognising that the only behaviour we can truly control is our own, and that influence comes far more from connection than from force. When people feel heard, they are more open. When they feel respected, they are more willing to cooperate. When they feel safe, they are more capable of finding solutions that work for everyone involved. This applies just as much in a marriage as it does in international relations. The principles don’t change, only the context does.
If we want better relationships, whether at home or across the world, we must let go of the idea that control is the answer, because the more we try to control others, the more we lose the very thing we were hoping to gain.