Thanks Y that can be very challenging for many of us. When honesty feels natural to you, being faced with what you perceive as deception, can leave you confused and disappointed. You might think, “If I can tell the truth, why can’t they?” To understand how and why people lie, we need to step back and look at what’s happening beneath the surface.
Each of us sees the world through a unique lens. Our experiences, needs, values, and fears shape how we interpret what happens around us, this is called perception. We don’t respond directly to the world itself, we respond to the picture of the world we’ve created in our minds. Two people can witness the same event and walk away with entirely different understandings of it, each believing their version is the truth.
When you hear someone say something you believe isn’t true, it may not be a deliberate lie, it may simply be their perception. Their personal version of reality is shaped by what they believe at that moment. If they need to feel safe, accepted, or respected, they might describe things in a way that protects those feelings. It’s not being deceitful when their view has been shaped by how they see things
Of course, there are times when people do lie knowingly. Even then, the motive is usually not as simple as wanting to deceive for the sake of it. Lies often grow from fear. The fear of rejection, punishment, shame, or loss of control. When someone’s sense of belonging or power feels threatened, they may choose to bend the truth rather than risk the consequences of being fully honest. It may not be admirable, but it is very human.
This doesn’t mean we have to accept lying or make excuses for it. It helps to understand that honesty, like every behaviour, is driven by need. For some, truth-telling meets their need for power through integrity and trust. For others, concealing the truth meets their need for safety or approval. The behaviour may differ, but the purpose of trying to satisfy an important internal need is the same.
So how should a person who believes they are honest and correct respond? First, by keeping perspective. Instead of reacting to the lie itself, try to think what the person might be trying to protect. Is it their pride, their security, or a relationship they fear losing? Seeing through that lens allows compassion to replace anger. It doesn’t mean you ignore the potential dishonesty, but it lets you respond with understanding rather than judgment.
Remember that honesty works best when it’s paired with empathy. Your perception of truth delivered without care can wound as much as any lie told from fear. If you value honesty you should model it gently. Be truthful, but also kind. When people feel safe in your honesty, they’re more likely to offer their own. What looks like a lie might simply be a difference of perception shaped by either their needs and fears or your own. Once we understand that, we don’t just see a lie, we see the person and reason behind it. That’s where genuine connection can begin.